Wednesday, May 7, 2008

2 ’Iyyar 5768: Yom hazZikkaron/Day 17 of the ‘Omer/International Tuba Day/Great American Grump Out

Greetings.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing will be introduced by our special guest below. Enjoy and share the weirdness.

Aaron




I AM DALEK THAY.  THE DALEKS ARE THE SWORN ENEMIES OF THE DOCTOR.  WE DO NOT SEEK TO DESTROY THE DOCTOR OUT OF PETTY REVENGE, BUT BECAUSE THE DOCTOR IS THE GREATEST MENACE TO THE UNIVERSE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED IN THIS OR ANY OTHER TIMELINE.  BELOW YOU WILL FIND THE DETAILS OF AN INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED THREE YEARS AGO WHICH SHOWS WHAT SORT OF CARNAGE WHICH FOLLOWS WHEREVER THE DOCTOR GOES.  THIS IS WHY IF YOU MEET THE DOCTOR, EXTERMINATE!  EXTERMINATE!  EXTERMINATE!  HAVE A NICE DAY.



CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—EXT. RIVERSIDE

Susan Foreman (the Doctor’s 16-year-old granddaughter) and David Campbell (her admirer) are standing outside the TARDIS.

DOCTOR (FIRST INCARNATION) (OVER LOUDSPEAKER FROM THE TARDIS)
Listen, Susan, please. I’ve double-locked the doors. You can’t get in. Now move back, child, where I can see you.


CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
DOCTOR
During all the years I’ve been taking care of you, you in return have been taking care of me.


SUSAN (ON SCANNER)
(taking her TARDIS key from around her neck)
Grandfather, I belong with you!


DOCTOR
Not any longer, Susan. You’re still my grandchild and always will be. But now, you’re a woman, too.



CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—EXT. RIVERSIDE
DOCTOR (OVER LOUDSPEAKER FROM THE TARDIS)

I want you to belong somewhere, to have roots of your own. With David, you’ll be able to find those roots, live normally like any woman should do.


CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM

DOCTOR
Believe me, my dear, your future lies with David and not with a silly old buffer like me. One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine.
(reaching for the controls)
Good-bye, Susan. Good-bye, my dear.
(With a pained look on his face, he activates the controls...)


CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—EXT. RIVERSIDE

The TARDIS dematerialises. Susan, still holding her TARDIS key, walks into the now empty space and presses the air. She looks at the ground and then into the sky. David joins her and holds out his hand.
DAVID
Susan?… Susan?

Susan takes his hand.

DAVID
He knew... he knew you could never leave him.


Susan looks closely at her key, then drops it on the ground, then walks off hesitantly with David.


INT. PUB.

The place is sparsely populated. There is a bartender working behind the bar. Sitting at the bar is an anxious-looking, red-haired female of apparent college age, wearing loudly-coloured clothes which are a size too big for her. She is drinking whiskey and reading a thick book in an unfamiliar script.

CAPTION: 162 YEARS EARLIER...

A man in a radiation suit approaches her. She turns towards him.

WOMAN AT BAR
(Irish accent)
Top of the evening to you! Couldn’t get enough of me; now could you?

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
(British accent)
Actually, I’m just confused about what happened yesterday, and I was hoping you could explain.

WOMAN AT BAR
That’s life for you. A lot of it doesn’t make sense. Makes life more interesting; don’t you think?

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
But I want it to make sense. Besides, you look like you need to talk about something.

WOMAN AT BAR
You’re reacting to my pheromones. Cool.

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
No, no, you really do look like you need to talk.

WOMAN AT BAR
Eh, you don’t want to go there. A good dose of whisky’s what I need before I get back to work. Talking can’t even scratch the surface of my problems.

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
On the contrary, I’ve made a career out of helping people, and in my experience, it does help for people to unburden themselves by talking about their problems, even if the help is purely emotional.

WOMAN AT BAR
Well, even if I did talk about my problems, you wouldn’t believe them. You’d think I was daft.

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
Not necessarily. I make it a point to believe six impossible things before breakfast every day. I really do.

WOMAN AT BAR
(smiling slightly)
Oh, really?

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
Honestly. Considering how bizarre the universe we live in is, it pays to keep an open mind.

WOMAN AT BAR
How open are we talking?

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
The sky’s the limit.

WOMAN AT BAR
Then see if you can wrap your mind around what really happened yesterday…


SMASH CUT TO: EXT. RAY AND MARIA STATA CENTER (32 VASSAR STREET, CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS) AT THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY—NIGHT.

This “post-modern” building looks like it was designed by Pablo Picasso. There is a large lorry parked in front of it. Other buildings on the street are similarly surreal or look like fairly normal turn-of-the-millennium college buildings.

WOMAN AT BAR (VO)
Blast! I’m going to be late!

The woman from the pub runs out from behind the lorry, down Vassar Street, and turns more or less south at the first opportunity.


INT. TARDIS.

This is not the TARDIS we are familiar with. This one is cramped, about the size of a small apartment with metal walls and a concrete floor. The TARDIS is filled with furniture from a dozen different eras and machinery that looks like it comes straight out of 1960s science-fiction. Bookshelves, densely crammed, cover most of three walls. Gathered in one corner are a makings of a mixed Victorian-Baroque bedroom, and in another is a rudimentary mid-20th century kitchen. Another corner is walled off except for a closed door. There are a few other doors in odd positions. In the centre of it all is a time rotor—mostly constructed of metal pipes, clear plastic rods, and duct tape—connected to a 21st century computer with a desktop-sized multi-touch screen. Tethered with optical cables to the console is a quadrupedal robot about half a meter tall which jitters about nervously.

Alarms are screaming, and a blond-haired, rather frazzled woman apparently in her 30s, dressed in loose, black, practically Victorian clothes, is frantically operating a plethora of virtual controls on the console computer screen.

COMPUTER
(alarm beep)
Mauve alert. Fluid links overheating.

WOMAN
(British accent, annoyed)
They’ll hold. Now stop complaining.

COMPUTER
(alarm beep)
Mauve alert. Fluid links overheating.

WOMAN
Thank you. That’ll be all. Now get me to the 49th century.

COMPUTER
(alarm beep)
Mauve alert. Fluid links overheating.

WOMAN
Just get me to the 49th century in one piece; will you? I built you well enough to—


Sparks and smoke erupt from the time rotor.
WOMAN
What the—


Sparks and smoke erupt from the time rotor.
COMPUTER
Mauve alert. Vortex turbulence encountered.

WOMAN
Don’t you dare!

COMPUTER
Materialisation imminent.

WOMAN
Don’t even think of it!

COMPUTER
Materialisation imminent.

WOMAN
The last thing I need is to deal again with time travellers who haven’t a clue what they’re doing!



TITLE SEQUENCE WITH TITLE:

GRANDFATHER PARADOX

The TARDIS depicted is not the usual one; rather it has the appearance of a large, blue wardrobe. Instead of ending at the normal time, the entire full-length theme is played. During this extra time we are shown scenes of the woman from the pub rushing through the campus of MIT and the time traveller frantically trying to control her TARDIS. With the last measure we cut to:


EXT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING (142 MEMORIAL DRIVE, CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS), SOUTH SIDE—NIGHT.

It is a “beaux-arts” four-story building with steps leading up to it. It is wet outside. There is rock music being played inside the building.

The woman from the pub arrives, breathing deeply.

Suddenly the TARDIS depicted in the title sequence materialises right in front of her on the sidewalk by the front steps. The door opens, revealing the time traveller, coughing.

TIME TRAVELLER
(under her breath)
Lousy cheap time rotor made of—

WOMAN FROM PUB
Glad to see you, Doctor! I’ve been expecting you.


The time traveller looks shocked.


[CONVENIENT PLACE FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK]


EXT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, SOUTH SIDE—NIGHT.

The time traveller stands in the doorway of her TARDIS, looking shocked

TIME TRAVELLER
Excuse me?

WOMAN FROM PUB
Oh, you don’t have any idea who I am. But I know you very well in your future.

TIME TRAVELLER
Do you have any idea how often I’ve heard that as a pick-up line?

WOMAN FROM PUB
Fifty-two times, though I didn’t intend it that way. You can call me “Piper”. Everyone calls you “the Doctor” or “Doctor Who”, even though you call yourself “Susan Foreman” and your parents named you—

SUSAN
OK, in here, now. I don’t want to talk about this in public.


Susan retreats into the TARDIS, and Piper follows her.


INT. TARDIS.

Susan closes the door after Piper. Then she picks up a large-bore laser weapon and points it at her.

SUSAN
Who are you? And by Omega, Rassilon, and the Other, you’d better give me a good answer. I’m not afraid to use this!

PIPER
That ray gun is broken.

SUSAN
How would you know that?

PIPER
The Doctor’s First Rule of Time Travel: Tell people as little as possible about their own future.

SUSAN
Wise, however annoying it is right now. And don’t call me “Doctor” ever again. Broken or not, I can still beat you silly with this ray gun.

PIPER
You know, you’re too tightly wound for your own good, Doc—er, Susan. You really need to learn to enjoy life as—

SUSAN
(less happy than before)
To the point, please! Now how do I know you actually know me in the future?

PIPER
Your given name is—

SUSAN
Say it, and I shall beat you silly with this ray gun. I hate that name that much.

PIPER
I’m wearing your clothes.

SUSAN
Those ugly things? You could take them the moment I throw them away. I only keep them as spares, and their only virtue is—

PIPER
—they don’t show off enough to make one look like a whore. Of course, if they did, everyone could tell—

SUSAN
Do not discuss Gallifreyan anatomy, please!

PIPER
You were born in the 49th century, this is your second incarnation, and you believe that because of “the Time War” between Gallifrey and the Daleks you may be the last of the Time Lords.

SUSAN
Not quite correct.

PIPER
But you suspect your grandfather, also known as “the Doctor”, may have also survived, since you’ve found various historical references to a “Doctor” which don’t fit you. However, you’ve never found him, so you think they’re probably just distorted versions of your own misadventures.

SUSAN
And do I meet that scoundrel by the time I meet you next?

PIPER
I can’t tell you that, Doctor, er, Susan.

SUSAN
Figures. But you might have heard all that information from other time travellers.

PIPER
Less than a month after your grandfather abandoned you on Earth in 2167, you and David Campbell broke up, and you spent 31 years on Earth, recreating Gallifreyan technology for a government that was the only thing protecting you from popular anti-extraterrestrial paranoia. After you built your own TARDIS—this TARDIS—you left and have been wandering up and down the history of Earth ever since.

SUSAN
I might have mentioned something about that while... intoxicated.

PIPER
You hate jelly babies. You think they taste vile and would rather eat chalk.

Susan looks surprised.

PIPER
You developed this hatred at the start of your current incarnation. You can’t understand why anyone would claim that you had saved their life in another incarnation and give you a big jar of jelly babies to say “thank you”. You nearly gagged eating a few out of politeness and chucked the jar under your bed the first chance you could.

SUSAN
Who told you that?

PIPER
I got it from you. Just like I learned from you that we’d meet at the Time Traveler Convention.

Beat.

Susan drops the ray gun, which clatters on the concrete floor.

SUSAN
I’m where?


EXT. EAST CAMPUS COURTYARD—NIGHT.

[Note: Directions given are logical, not physical.]

Susan and Piper are standing at the south end of the East Campus Courtyard, which is between two brick-shaped buildings. There is a lot of grass, some pathways, many trees, a “landing pad” for time travellers (with plastic wrap-covered milk and cookies for any that might show up), and a De Lorean DMC-12.

PIPER
(enthusiastically)
It’s Saturday night, May 7, 2005, at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States of America, Earth. They were supposed to hold the Time Traveler Convention in this courtyard, but because of rain they decided to hold it over there—
(points towards building to the south)
—the Walker Memorial Building, to the west of the tennis courts.

SUSAN
(with feelings of dread)
And who is there?

PIPER
Mostly MIT students and faculty. Though they’ve got a couple of people from nearby schools there, too.

SUSAN
No time travellers?

PIPER
Not that anyone’s noticed. Of course, there are several people claiming to be time travellers.


Susan looks a bit confused.

PIPER
Some are faculty or staff, but mostly they’re people dressing up as characters from time travel movies. Though anomalously there are two people dressed up like Dorothy and Toto from The Wizard of Oz and another wearing a really fake-looking grey alien mask.

SUSAN
Lovely. I’ve fallen among silly people.

PIPER
Hey, it’s just good, clean fun—

SUSAN
I don’t care about fun, young lady. Just so long as real time travellers besides me don’t show up.

A damp Caucasian man, past student age, holding a can of Tab and a cardboard sign reading “THANKS FOR WARNING US ABOUT THE WEATHER YOU TIME-TRAVELLING JERKS” walks by.

SUSAN
I didn’t even know I was coming.

PIPER
Ah, time travellers showing up isn’t so bad. You’re here, and the Universe hasn’t exploded.

SUSAN
And it probably won’t—so long no one does anything that gets noted. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for someone from the future to do something that violates the recorded history of the event, creating a temporal paradox.

PIPER
(snort of derision)
There’s no paradox scheduled for today.

SUSAN
They’re never scheduled, Piper. I’ve been encountering paradoxes ever since I built my TARDIS. With the Time Lords gone, there’s no civilisation out there policing time, so whenever they happen, they run riot instead of being clamped down on. There are some beasties out there which help clean things up, but they don’t handle everything. I’m the only sentient being out there doing anything about it, and that’s not saying much. History’s turned into such a horrible mess that after 1963 it’s unrecognisable.
(beat)
I’m leaving. There’s no way in Hell I’m going to risk a paradox tonight, so just direct me to a good restaurant, and I’ll leave you to enjoy the camaraderie of the other silly people.

Susan starts moving north through the East Campus Courtyard, with Piper in tow.

PIPER
You’re fretting over nothing, Doctor. Go, attend, and enjoy the freak show. Have fun.

SUSAN
No, thank you, Miss Piper. I’m not suicidal.

PIPER
But you’ve got to go to the Convention! Don’t you want to see people make themselves look ridiculous by claiming time travel is impossible? Don’t you want to see people claiming to be time travellers badly? Don’t you want to see people in funny costumes?

SUSAN
No, no, no!

PIPER
You need the vacation! You need to enjoy yourself! You need some excitement!

SUSAN
I have had more than enough excitement, Miss Piper, for all thirteen of my lifetimes. Now, considering my TARDIS and its utterly shoddy time rotor tripped over some turbulence in the temporal vortex, I’m going to wait a few days before dematerialising so I don’t risk exploding it. If I have to be here, I might as well spend some of it somewhere I can get better food than the last—

They come to a halt.

PIPER
Is something wrong?

SUSAN
(pointing straight ahead)
Very much so.

Approaching them from the north is a nondescript woman in a business suit.

PIPER
There’s something wrong with… that’s not a human. That’s a Quux!

SUSAN
No, that’s a Quux. They’re trying to fill in the temporal power vacuum left by the Time War.

PIPER
I just said that!

SUSAN
I’m the Doctor; I get to tell everybody what they’re looking at, young lady. You’re the would-be companion, obviously unaware that tryouts aren’t for another 300 years.

PIPER
Funny how the Quux look amazingly like a zillion other species. You’d think there’d be a bit more variation in the Universe.

SUSAN
You don’t want to know what sort of abuse of spacetime travel caused that.
(sighs)
There goes my first chance for a decent meal in 20 years. I’m going back to the TARDIS and see if the scanners can pick up anything that’ll tell me what’s going on here.

PIPER
Why don’t you just ask the Quux?

SUSAN
Right before I arrived here, I defeated a swarm of Wirrn—which are—

PIPER
Something like huge sentient wasps.

SUSAN
—something like huge sentient wasps—who were trying to conquer Earth in the 19th century. I’m really not feeling confrontational.

PIPER
I’ll be glad to hit her for you.

SUSAN
Thank you, no.

Susan reverses direction and starts walking south, with Piper following.

PIPER
Really, it’s no trouble at all.

SUSAN
(facing Piper; echoey, with hypnotic sound effects)
I am the Doctor. You will—

PIPER
(singsong)
That never worked on me, Susan.

SUSAN
Blast.
(continuing walking away from the Quux; under her breath)
Grandfather, add “silly, violent would-be companions who are immune to hypnotism” to the list of things that are all your fault.

PIPER
Hey, I’m not that bad.

SUSAN
Kindly leave me alone, young lady. I have important things to do, and I don’t need you getting in the way.

PIPER
But I’m supposed to be part of all this!

SUSAN
Oh, there’s supposed to be no paradox today, but you’re supposed to be part of whatever’s happening. Very comforting.

PIPER
I didn’t say anything about today being boring!

Susan halts and looks left. Piper follows suit. Approaching from that direction is another business-suited Quux.

PIPER
I don’t suppose that could be a human and not another Quux?

SUSAN
Definitely not.

Piper instinctively looks right, and Susan follows suit. There is a third, similarly dressed Quux coming from that direction.
PIPER
Beautiful! I’m itching for a fight, and now I’ve got a whole pack of Quux! Which one do you want to hit?

SUSAN
Unless you know a fight’s supposed to take place, we run for it on the count of one.

PIPER
Spoilsport.
(snort)
Fine. One.

Susan and Piper run for it. They dash between the Walker Memorial Building and the tennis courts and come to a screeching halt when they see a Fendahl Core (a metallic-skinned humanoid with funky hair) wearing loose mylar-like robes and silvery wrap-around sunglasses approaching from the south.

SUSAN
It’s a Fendahl Core! Ninety degrees right, now!

Piper and Susan run into the Walker Memorial Building.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, LOBBY.

The lobby is filled with people, mostly college students with a few faculty and various other people. Most people there are talking to each other amicably. There is rock music playing in an adjacent room. Two people of student age are dressed as Dorothy and Toto from The Wizard of Oz (1939 MGM film), and an Asian teenage girl even younger is wearing fuzzy magenta antennae and photographing people with a cell phone. There are also large glass windows facing east.

Susan and Piper run into the lobby and look around. Susan points to the far end of the group, and she and Piper skirt around a number of puzzled people and crouch down in the back.

Any inquiries into why Susan and Piper did what they did are aborted by the arrival of the Fendahl Core outside. With much trepidation, the Fendahl Core enters the building.

Many people decide the Fendahl Core, who looks terrified, is not worth their attention and go back to chatting. However, a few do notice her, including the girl with the fuzzy magenta antennae, who takes a picture.

RANDOM STUDENT
(American accent)
Is that supposed to be a liquid metal Terminator costume?

The Fendahl Core looks puzzled.

SAME RANDOM STUDENT
You know,
(bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression)
I’ll be back.

FENDAHL CORE
(extremely deliberately, American accent)
I… do... not… know.

“DOROTHY”
(American accent)
Don’t be silly.
(to the Fendahl Core)
You’re probably going for some variation on the Tin Man; aren’t you?

Beat.

FENDAHL CORE
I... seek... two... Doctors.

RANDOM PERSON
(American accent)
Will I do? I’m a doctor.

FENDAHL CORE
I—

SAME RANDOM PERSON
If you’re wearing sunglasses at night, you probably have something wrong with your eyes. Good thing I’m an ophthalmologist. Why don’t we go down to my office and take those sunglasses off so we can have a look at those peepers?

The Fendahl Core looks horrified. Before the ophthalmologist can do anything, she dashes out of the building.

OPHTHALMOLOGIST
(puzzled)
What’d I do?


CUT TO: SUSAN AND PIPER STANDING UP.

Both, along with many other people present, look puzzled. Susan moves towards the hallway, and Piper follows.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, HALLWAY.

Susan and Piper are standing in the hallway.

SUSAN
What? You’re still following me?

PIPER
Yes, I am. That was cowardly of us back there. We should have—

SUSAN
The Fendahl are overwhelmingly powerful telepaths, young lady. Head-on confrontation won’t work against them. Trust me on this. I’ve dealt with them before.

PIPER
But we could have hit her—

Susan gives Piper a stern look.

SUSAN
With what? Human muscles can’t generate enough force to make a difference. Or are you carrying sodium chloride with you, perhaps, hmm?

PIPER
OK, maybe we couldn’t have done anything, at least not without wrecking the timeline. Still, Doctor, er, Susan, for a Fendahl Core, that was just… odd behaviour; wasn’t it?

SUSAN
Exceedingly odd.

PIPER
That eye doctor was cute. Why wouldn’t she want to be alone with him?

Susan has a look of “What sort of lunatic have I been stuck with?” on her face.

PIPER
What?

SUSAN
What I meant, Piper, is that the Fendahl are creatures with delusions of godhood and the ability to force service on most other beings, and this one runs away from a mere human.

PIPER
Oh, yeah, that’s pretty odd behaviour, too. The Quux couldn’t have scared her off; could they?

SUSAN
Quux are merely annoying. The meekest Fendahl Core I ever met before this turned a Quux colony into his own private cult.

PIPER
So what’s she doing here? If she’s trying to conquer the planet, she’ll never get anywhere.

SUSAN
Obviously she was looking for me. She did say she was looking for “two Doctors”. The question is who the other one is. Maybe that cad of a grandfather of mine—

PIPER
(quickly)
I haven’t seen his TARDIS.

SUSAN
You’ve seen it before?

PIPER
(defensive)
I know what police boxes look like. They do have them in museums, you know.

SUSAN
Oh. It doesn’t matter anyway. Grandfather might have fixed that broken chameleon circuit by now or just materialised his TARDIS somewhere we can’t see it. But what would a Fendahl Core want with me and another “Doctor”? And how would she know I’m here in the first place?

PIPER
This is the Time Traveler Convention! They’re asking people to leave notes for the future so they go back in time and attend. Obviously someone who attended advertised that there would be “two Doctors” here.

SUSAN
That explains how. Gallifrey isn’t the only civilisation to invent time travel. And if we assume she is being careful not to change the timeline and not reveal the existence of extraterrestrials too soon, it also explains why the Fendahl Core was hesitant to go inside where the light was bright.

PIPER
People might have been able to tell she wasn’t wearing a costume. She certainly wasn’t eager to let that cute eye doctor see her eyes; they’d have been a dead give-away she wasn’t human.

SUSAN
Correct. Which means if your friend is trying to attack me in some way, she wants to do it somewhere no one notices so history isn’t changed.

PIPER
So let’s go somewhere people can see us, Doc—Susan.

SUSAN
Where is everyone concentrated at this Convention?

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
(American accent)
Morss Hall.


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: THE ASIAN TEENAGE GIRL WEARING FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE BEHIND SUSAN AND PIPER.

Susan and Piper turn around to find the teenager behind them. She is holding a cell phone and takes a picture of them.

FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL
What? You’re, like, pretending to be time travellers, and you’re expecting anyone to believe you? Get real! Who’s gonna believe that a woman in weird makeup is really an alien? The whole thing’s lamer than the guys pretending to be Bill and Ted.

Susan gives Piper an enquiring look, and Piper shrugs.

SUSAN
So maybe I’m not a time traveller. Which way is Morss Hall?

FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL
(gestures with her thumb back over her shoulder)
That way, but you’ll never get in. So many people came that they’re not letting anyone else in there.

SUSAN
Oh, lovely. Becoming a Fendahl cultist is exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL
But if you’re trying to stay around people, you can go back to the lobby.

SUSAN
It’s workable.

PIPER
But we can’t go there!

SUSAN
Why not?

Beat.

PIPER
The Fendahl Core might see us through the windows!

SUSAN
So? If she’s not going where people can see she’s not human, we’ll be safe there.

PIPER
But she’s a telepath. If she knows where we are and can see us, she might try to remotely control us.

FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL
Lame-o! Assuming telepathy actually exists—and it doesn’t—if it can go through glass, why can’t it go through brick just as well?

SUSAN
It can. But that Fendahl Core is being very, very careful not to change history—and that includes not tampering with anyone’s mind. I can’t even sense trace exploratory signals from her. And I’m not going to needlessly tempt a Fendahl Core to do anything that might change history. Where can we go quickly where lots of people will see us but she won’t?

FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL
Upstairs, fourth floor. They set up a room for the overflow crowd. You can watch the lectures and stuff on a big-screen TV.
(points)
The elevator’s that way.

SUSAN AND PIPER
Thanks.

Susan and Piper run off.

FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL
Weirdoes. I’ll have to put the note for the future with their picture in a really lame book. “Come and see the Two Doctors…”


Susan and Piper reach the lift doors. Piper pushes the “up” button.

PIPER
Could the Fendahl be changing strategy?

SUSAN
Perhaps. Maybe it’s just me and Grandfather they want. I’ve dealt with the Fendahl a few times.


The lift doors open.

SUSAN
(as she and Piper enter the lift)
I’ve even heard Grandfather once dealt with them.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING—LIFT.

[Note: Floor numbers given are American-style, with the first floor being the ground floor.]

SUSAN
(pushing the button for the fourth floor)
Still, this all feels wrong—
(beat)
What are you still doing here, young lady?

PIPER
Going to the fourth floor with you, of course. I don’t want to miss out on all the fun.

SUSAN
Trust me: you don’t want to be my companion. What we’re dealing with is anything but “fun”.

PIPER
I’m from your future. You never showed any sign of knowing when I died; therefore I survive.

SUSAN
Let me rephrase it: I—in my current incarnation—don’t want a companion.

PIPER
Liar. Most humans can’t smell it, but your pheromones are screaming—

SUSAN
Young lady, the less said about anyone’s pheromones, the better!

PIPER
It’s perfectly understandable wanting companionship, Susan. You’ve been wandering Earth’s history so long in search of other Gallifreyans. Only you’ve seen so many people die horribly you’re afraid to let anyone near you.

The lift doors open.

SUSAN
You have no idea how much I hate it when someone from the future tells me something like that.
(exits the lift)

PIPER
You’d be surprised.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING—FOURTH FLOOR.

Piper steps out of the lift. She and Susan proceed into a large room with a huge television showing Dr Alan Guth lecturing on why time travellers are not attending the Convention. Many people, the same sort of crowd as downstairs—including in the back a man with long, blond hair in a ponytail wearing a grey alien mask (and a white T-shirt and jeans) and someone next to him in a radiation suit (the man from the pub, in fact)—are sitting on folding chairs watching. Susan and Piper look around. Susan sits down next to the man in the alien mask, and Piper sits down next to Susan.

ALIEN MASK MAN
(American accent)
Good evening, Doctor Who. I’ve been expecting you.

SUSAN
Take a number, young man. There’s a waiting list. And don’t you “Doctor” me.

PIPER
She’s a bit oversensitive about—

SUSAN
Be quiet, Piper!
(to Alien Mask Man)
My name is “Susan Foreman”.

ALIEN MASK MAN
I know. “Dr Susan Foreman Who”.

SUSAN
I am not—

ALIEN MASK MAN
The title is an affectation, and the middle name makes no sense for someone trying pass herself off as a British human most of the time. And everyone calls you “the Doctor” or “Doctor Who”.

SUSAN
I am not the Doctor.

ALIEN MASK MAN
Don’t toy with me, Doctor. This would be the part where you tell me the Doctor is your grandfather and give me a sob story about how he cruelly abandoned you among primitives because you uncovered the evil plot he and his mistress hatched to conquer Gallifrey.

PIPER
That’s not the story I got from you.

SUSAN
That’s because it isn’t what happened. He was a jerk, not a conspirator.

ALIEN MASK MAN
It doesn’t matter. There is much information given on “the Doctor” in the authoritative The History of Time Travel by Euphoria. Euphoria is undecided whether the Doctor is an individual or a dynasty, suggesting that there may be anything from one to seven Doctors. But whether this “Curtis” Doctor you claim is your grandfather—

PIPER
“Curtis”? “Curtis”?

SUSAN
(annoyed)
His name is not “Curtis”, and he is my grandfather.

ALIEN MASK MAN
It doesn’t matter. You, the “Susan” Doctor, have the same sort of knowledge as any other Doctor does—among other things you have in common. And it just so happens that Euphoria noted that you were destined to be here.

SUSAN
I knew I should have read my copy of that book.

ALIEN MASK MAN
There’s a reproduction of a lovely bookmark left in a copy of Moby Dick in the MIT library advertising that you attend the Time Traveler Convention, Doctor Who—twice!

SUSAN
(really annoyed)
Twice?! Do you really think I’m foolish enough to cross my own timeline?

ALIEN MASK MAN
It doesn’t matter. With your knowledge and abilities, either of you are of value to us of the Foo.

PIPER
(giggles)
The Foo? That bunch of morons that took 50,000 years of civilisation to pull off interstellar travel?

SUSAN
Piper!

ALIEN MASK MAN
Not in this timeline. We of the Foo are well aware that history has been altered by the Time Lord-Dalek Time War. With the Time Lords erased from existence except for the occasional anomaly, many other races have developed to the point of time travel without interference, including the Foo. And thus we of the Foo are posed to become a major power. And that’s why we of the Foo need you.

SUSAN
What for? You don’t become sentient for another million years, so your presence proves you already have time travel.

ALIEN MASK MAN
True. But we haven’t gone as far in exploring the theory and technology as the Time Lords did. No one has. And thus we have to be extremely conservative in what we do. Everyone’s afraid of changing their own history accidentally. Here and now, for instance, we are at an event where we can do and say a lot of strange things because historical records report people here and now dressing in weird clothes, doing weird things, and claiming to be time travellers, such as this weirdo sitting to my right.

MAN IN RADIATION SUIT
(British accent)
Me? A weirdo? I am Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan!
(makes “live long and prosper” hand sign)
And I am a time traveller!

ALIEN MASK MAN
Uh-huh. This refugee from a B-movie—

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
I am not from a B-movie. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

ALIEN MASK MAN
“Darth Vader” demonstrates my point exactly. No one here seriously believes that we’re time travellers or aliens, and so long as we don't do anything outside the parameters of known history, we’ll probably only do what we’re supposed to do. Since there was a Time War, it’s clear that history is mutable. The question everyone wants to know—be they Foo, Bar, Baz, Quux, Silurian, Sea Devil, Ice Warrior, Fendahl, Dominator, Sontaran, Jagaroth, Lurman, Peladonian, or whatever—is whether we can change history and get the results we want.

PIPER
Ha!

SUSAN
(with a look of disgust at Piper)
Go solve the equations and do the experiments to find out.

ALIEN MASK MAN
None of us has mathematics that advanced. We know we’re at least a million years away from solving the equations. But you, Doctor, could provide us with a valuable shortcut in science and technology. Gallifrey was only below the Guardians on the scale of development. With your help, we of the Foo could get a jump on our neighbours and become the ruling power of the galaxy, if not the entire Universe.

SUSAN
(with hypnotic sound effect)
I am the Doctor, and you do not need me.

ALIEN MASK MAN
Yes, we do. And hypnosis does not work on us of the Foo.

PIPER
What about pain?

Piper reaches to hit Alien Mask Man, but Susan restrains her.

SUSAN
Don’t be immature.
(to Alien Mask Man)
The answer is “no”.

ALIEN MASK MAN
But think of the possibilities, Doctor. Foovonia could fill the gap left by the fall of Gallifrey, and the Universe could be reordered into a single domain of perfect harmony and peace.

SUSAN
Living under the thrall of a Foo empire.

ALIEN MASK MAN
Doctor—

SUSAN
Don’t even promise me that if I accept, I will be the Foo Empress.

PIPER
The title does have a certain... ring to it.

SUSAN
Yes, but I don’t want the job of reordering the Universe. It was too much of a job for the entire Time Lord civilisation. Even if I wanted to help you, you’d have to be daft to think I can do it.

ALIEN MASK MAN
But, my dear Doctor, you don’t have much of a choice. You are predestined to help us.

SUSAN
Did a peek into the future tell you this?

ALIEN MASK MAN
No. A peek into the past did. Every record of your activities we of the Foo have seen note a great reluctance to tamper with the known course of history. And if mere records are useful to us, think of how useful observing your behaviour directly will be, free of filtering by scribes and historians. If history is really unchangeable, you will act without regard to what changes you might make to the timeline. If history is changeable, then you will have to escape from our vice without doing anything in contradiction to the reports on the Convention—and we will not make it easy by any means. Or you’ll just have to decide how much you’re willing to change history.

SUSAN
And what if I vaporise you all with my sonic screwdriver?

Piper looks excited by this idea.

ALIEN MASK MAN
We of the Foo doubt that would work, but you dare not do so. We returned—or rather will return—just before we left for this Convention. You cannot kill us without changing history—something you have done everything to avoid. And if you do kill us, we of the Foo here and now would be giving our lives in exchange for valuable data on how changeable history really is—a sacrifice we are willing to make. No matter what happens, you help the Foo.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
His logic’s pretty good for a twit in a silly mask.

ALIEN MASK MAN
So the question is: what are you going to do, Doctor?

Susan bolts from the room, with Piper quick at her heels.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, FOURTH FLOOR, HALLWAY.

Piper and Susan come to a halt about as far as they can get from the viewing room while still viewable by people idling about.

SUSAN
(quietly)
What happens now?

PIPER
(equally quietly)
I can’t tell you—

SUSAN
Some help you are.
(beat)
I know: my first rule of time travel.

PIPER
No, I really don’t know. I only know bits and pieces of what happens today.

SUSAN
Blast. I can’t stay here because the Foo is watching. He may have even bugged the place so he can hear this conversation. I can’t go downstairs because the Fendahl Core might see me. I don’t suppose floors two and three are occupied at this point?

Piper shrugs.

SUSAN
Blast again. And I don’t trust either the Foo or the Fendahl Core to simply do nothing.

PIPER
So what—

Susan bolts. Piper follows as fast as she can as soon as she can. The two head for the lift. As soon as they get there, Susan pushes the “down” button.

PIPER
(gesturing)
You might want to let me hit the Foo.


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: ALIEN MASK MAN APPROACHING.

SUSAN
Oh, nice.

PIPER
It could be worse.

SUSAN
Don’t say things like that, young lady.

PIPER
Why not?

The lift doors open, revealing the Fendahl Core. Susan and Piper bolt instantly.

SUSAN
That’s why!

PIPER
Correlation is not the same thing as causation!

FENDAHL CORE
Wait!

Susan and Piper enter a stairwell.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, STAIRWELL.

Susan and Piper head down the stairs.

SUSAN
I know very well that Murphy’s Law is an illusion! I just don’t like being reminded of it!

PIPER
What are we doing?

SUSAN
I’m improvising. You’re following.

PIPER
So we’re just running?

SUSAN
Unless you’ve got a better—
(beat)
Stop!

Susan and Piper come to a halt. The sound of footsteps can still be heard.

PIPER
Foo?

SUSAN
Let’s not find out.

Susan and Piper rush down the stairs.

SUSAN
Why do I have to deal with all the walking disasters of the Universe: psychotic Sensorites, insane Argolins—

PIPER
Homicidal robots, megalomaniac Cheem, killer Ood—

SUSAN
Would you mind not saying what I’m about to say?

PIPER
You find it very annoying and assume I’m an evil telepath out to drive you crazy.

SUSAN
Yes, I do! So cut it out!

Susan and Piper continue their descent, the sounds of footsteps of someone behind them getting louder and louder. Suddenly, six people wearing grey alien masks, T-shirts, and jeans enter the stairwell from the floor below and start ascending. Susan and Piper turn around, only to find Alien Mask Man and five other grey alien-masked people with him descending.

SUSAN
Are you daft? You do realise that if any fighting occurs, that a whole lot of us are going to go tumbling down the stairs, make a lot of noise, and attract a lot of attention?

PIPER
Not to mention we’ll all probably get bruised from falling down the stairs and may break a few bones.

SUSAN
I told you to stop saying things I was about to say!

PIPER
Sorry. Though this fighting idea does sound tempting. Mind if try a few Venusian karate moves on the Foo?

SUSAN
Yes, I do mind, young lady! There’s no possible way you could have ever visited Venusia to learn it anyway.
(to the Foo)
Unless you have records of such a thing happening here, I wouldn’t dare attack if I were you.

ALIEN MASK MAN
We are like ninjas! We blend in! No one saw us come in here, and—

PIPER
You look like a bunch of idiots—

SUSAN
Are you trying to make them angry, Piper?

PIPER
(overlapping Susan)
—and you you think you won’t stick out indoors—under bright lights—dressed like that? Who reported a dozen blatantly fake grey aliens attending the Convention?

FOO 2
(to Alien Mask Man)
I told you—

ALIEN MASK MAN
—that they wouldn’t buy that. Yes.

SUSAN
Your friends transmatted in here; didn’t they?


ALIEN MASK MAN
Transwhatted?

SUSAN
Transmatted.

ALIEN MASK MAN
They teleported in here.

SUSAN
That’s the same bloody thing!

PIPER
Can we not quibble about grammar and get on with this? I’m in the mood to kick Foo butt.

SUSAN
Shut up, Piper!

ALIEN MASK MAN
No, Doctor; your colleague makes an excellent point. We’re here to fight or for you to surrender. Kindly keep in mind that there are twelve of us and only two of you, not to mention that we are running out of stairs, Doctor Who, so you’d better decide whether you want to start fighting or surrendering soon.

SUSAN
Forget fighting. I’m 80 years old and have been fighting since I was 15. I was sick of it when I was 17.

ALIEN MASK MAN
So you’re—

SUSAN
I don’t like surrendering much either. I tried doing that to an extraterrestriophobic mob that broke into my lab when I was 47, but they weren’t in the mood for it. I had to regenerate to survive that.

ALIEN MASK MAN
But—

SUSAN
Therefore I invoke The Intergalactic Code of Warfare, ninth edition, page 371, 39th line, according to which we are required to discuss shoes until we find another alternative.

PIPER
Can’t I just hit the Foo, Doctor?

SUSAN
No. Intergalactic law is very clear on this point.
(to Alien Mask Man)
Where did you get your shoes, young man?

ALIEN MASK MAN
You’re stalling badly, Doctor.

SUSAN
Have you read The Intergalactic Code of Warfare, ninth edition?

ALIEN MASK MAN
No, but—

SUSAN
So you, in fact, do not know what is on page 371, line 39; do you?

ALIEN MASK MAN
Specifically, no, but—

SUSAN
And you are therefore totally unaware of the human coming up the stairs?

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
(American accent)
Wow. People around here keep getting weirder and weirder.

Everyone turns to see a familiar person below.


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL STANDING BELOW EVERYONE ELSE ON THE STAIRS.

PIPER
(sighs)
There goes hitting the Foo.

Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl takes a picture of the scene with her cell phone.

ALIEN MASK MAN
(to Susan)
I bought these shoes at a shop run by Intefe three blocks down the street from where I work.

SUSAN
I had no idea Intefe were selling shoes these days.

Everyone but Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl starts discussing shoes. Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl shakes her head as she passes through the group.

As soon as Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl has passed them, Susan and Piper dash past the lower Foo down the stairs. Unable to fight with Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl around, the Foo are powerless to stop them. Susan and Piper exit the staircase onto the first floor.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, FIRST FLOOR.

Susan and Piper run through the hallway, skirt past many confused people in the lobby, and exit the building.


EXT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, EAST SIDE—NIGHT.

Susan rushes out of the Walker Memorial Building with Piper in tow and heads southwards and towards the stairs.

SUSAN
“Can’t I just hit the Foo, Doctor?” “Can’t I just hit the Foo, Doctor?” What are you trying to do to me, Miss Piper?

PIPER
What? How hard is it to take out a dozen Foo?

SUSAN
Why do you think I regenerated, young lady? I was once young and naïve myself, and I thought I could take on entire planets unaided. And one day—

PIPER
—you decided to lie to me about how you were “brave” and stupid back in your lab, when you were really scared to death of the mob and screamed like a Kosnaxian sea-squirt.

SUSAN
Stop reading my mind, young lady!

PIPER
And besides, where’s the TARDIS?

Beat. The two of them come to a halt.

SUSAN
Blast! It was here! This is where I left it! You saw it!

PIPER
Maybe the locality stabilisers broke again and it drifted—

SUSAN
I built new ones last time I was on Mars. Those parts shouldn’t wear out that fast.

PIPER
Fine. Could the Foo have blown up the TARDIS?

SUSAN
No. That would make too much noise, there’s no scorching on the sidewalk, and besides, being dimensionally transcendent, only the outside would be destroyed. What was left would attract too much attention. It’s so non-Euclidean that one look at it, and you’d think you were having a nightmare. And don’t suggest the Foo destroyed it some other way. The Foo are after improved time-travel capability and timeline modification. My TARDIS might be kludged together from hopelessly primitive parts, but it probably works better than anything they have. The TARDIS is therefore still intact. Probably they transmatted it somewhere else, as stupid as that would be.

PIPER
(shudders)
The last time anyone tried, a few square kilometres were levelled, and you spend a year rebuilding the TARDIS.

SUSAN
(deadpan)
You don’t know how much pleasure it gives me to know that you really do know me from the future.
(beat)
Extremely few races besides the Time Lords have ever mastered dimensional transcendence, which means the Foo probably have a harder time hiding their craft than I do mine. That means the craft is almost certainly invisible—

PIPER
—because any alien spacecraft landing on Earth is going to put out enough energy to risk being seen—and the Foo don’t want to risk changing history.

SUSAN
Correct. Being invisible takes a lot of energy, as does time travel itself. So if they want to stay invisible and still get home, they can’t be very far away. They’d also want to levitate somewhere no one would accidentally run in to them, which also eats into their energy budget and limits the distance they can transmat. Therefore, I’d say their ship is...
(points to the roof of the Walker Memorial Building)
… there.

PIPER
(turning to head back towards the Walker Memorial Building)
Yes! We get to go beat up the Foo!

SUSAN
(restraining Piper with a hand on her shoulder)
Don’t even think of it, Miss Piper.

PIPER
(turning to face Susan)
Why not, Doctor? Anyone stupid enough to transmat a TARDIS is just asking for a good beating.

SUSAN
We have the integrity of the timeline to preserve—

PIPER
That TARDIS is so flimsy that even an Androgum could figure out how to break in. The Foo may be crazy, but they’re not stupid. Once they’re in, they’ll figure it out how it works, even if it takes them a century or two, and they’ll be building their own TARDISes. If they’re mad enough to risk using a time tunnel, think of the temptations they’ll fall prey to when they have Gallifreyan-style TARDISes. Changing one single event in Terran history is a small price to pay to keep the Foo from wrecking the history of a thousand species, Susan, so excuse me for revelling in the idea of beating them up to stop it!

Piper turns to re-enter the building.

SUSAN
Now listen here one minute, Miss Piper—

The Fendahl Core exits the Walker Memorial Building and approaches.

PIPER
(turning around and running away)
On the other hand, I’m open to other ideas.

Susan dashes after Piper, and the two of them run southwards and turn right when they reach the sidewalk.

PIPER
So what’s the plan now?

SUSAN
You say you know me from the future and ask that?

PIPER
You have no plan.

SUSAN
You bet there’s no plan! That always scares the heebeejeebees out of my enemies!

Piper looks back and sees the Fendahl Core following and gaining speed.

PIPER
She’s not scared yet!

Susan and Piper swerve right and dash haphazardly among the buildings of the campus. Finally they come to the eastern side of the surrealistic Ray and Maria Stata Center.

PIPER
(grabbing on to Susan and pulling her to a halt)
Doctor! We can’t go this way!

SUSAN
Why not?

PIPER
Have you seen how ugly the buildings on that street are? They’re hideous. They’re tearing up the entire street to fix them. Everything’s blocked, detoured, or full of potholes.

SUSAN
That’ll slow the Fendahl Core down.

PIPER
And there are dogs that live on that street. Really mean dogs!

SUSAN
So?

PIPER
Poodles. Vicious attack poodles!

SUSAN
Now I know you’re lying to me.

PIPER
(swallows)
There’s something on that street from your future.

SUSAN
You’re from my future.

PIPER
You’re supposed to meet me here. You’re not supposed to see what’s on Vassar Street!

SUSAN
Are you sure of this?

PIPER
Positive! It’ll change history!
(beat)
Please! If you see what’s there, the me that’s here now won’t exist, because you’ll change my past.

SUSAN
There’s a down-side to that?

PIPER
Isn’t that against your life’s mission?

SUSAN
(sighs)
Alright, we’ll go—

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
(Canadian accent)
You’re going nowhere, Doctor Who!


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: A DOZEN QUUX SURROUNDING SUSAN AND PIPER.

SUSAN
Peachy. What do you want? And it had better not be help becoming a temporal superpower unless you’re prepared to be 382 times more persuasive than the Foo.

QUUX 1
(Canadian accent)
By the authority of the Quux Republic, you’re under arrest for illegal time travel, sabotaging our time travel capabilities, and interference with our justice system. And don’t try any of that Time Lord hypnotism; it doesn’t work on our species.

SUSAN
Young lady, I object to my arrest on the grounds—

QUUX 1
Not you.
(points to Piper)
Her.

SUSAN
She’s not the Doctor—

PIPER
Barbara, there’s no point in lying to the Quux. The jig is up.

SUSAN
You are not—

PIPER
I know enough about today to know the Quux are not arresting you.
(to Quux 1)
Take me away in your green flying saucer, officer.

QUUX 1
Very well.

SUSAN
(to Quux 1)
Now hold on, young lady. Under article three of the Local Group Extradition Treaty, I challenge the arrest of my
(with disdain)
associate.

QUUX 1
What!?

SUSAN
You heard me. Or do they not follow the law in the Andromeda Galaxy?

QUUX 1
And the grounds for your challenge are?

SUSAN
That the person in question is not the Doctor.

PIPER
I most certainly am the Doctor! Now run along, Barbara, before you do something that changes history.

QUUX 1
(to Susan)
She’s right. The History of Time Travel by Euphoria gives every last bit of information available at the time on the Doctor. This includes a picture of her with you. Though that picture identifies both of you as “the Two Doctors”, clearly whoever captioned that picture made a mistake and only your associate is the Doctor. The Doctor is well-known to appear all over the Universe, and you, Ms. Barbara, have never, ever been reported off of this primitive planet. On the other hand, we have received orders from our own future to arrest your associate for sabotaging our time travel capabilities, including this telling photograph.

Quux 1 produces a photograph of Piper fighting with Quux in toga-like outfits in a room that looks like something out of Star Trek (after the original series).

SUSAN
(startled at the picture)
But which Doctor do you believe she is?

QUUX 1
Does it matter?

SUSAN
Yes, it does, because the Local Group Extradition Treaty specifies that no one can be extradited without specifying a unique identifier.

QUUX 2
She’s got us there, boss.

QUUX 1
Quiet, you!

SUSAN
So, which Doctor are you trying to arrest? There are as many as seven.

QUUX 1
The Time War wiped out all the Time Lords in the Universe. But there is one who happened to be in the right place, an unusual place, when it happened. This Doctor has been travelling through Spacetime ever since, interfering in a frightening number of historical events, allegedly fighting for moral causes. This Doctor has no respect for the rights of self-governing states. This Doctor has had several companions, many eventually left in the wrong era or even dying. This Doctor has been repeatedly sighted with a robot shaped like a small quadrupedal carnivore. This Doctor travels in a time capsule shaped like a large, blue box. There is only one Doctor whom we know of who fits this description perfectly—

PIPER
(pronouncing the name perfectly)
Romanadvoratrelundar!

Susan winces.
QUUX 1
Yes,
(pronouncing the name with difficulty)
Romanadvoratrelundar!
(dramatic pause)
Lover of the likewise troublesome “Curtis” Doctor.

PIPER
(visibly shocked)
Ew!  Ew!  Ew!  That’s so gross!

QUUX 1
“Ew”? “Gross”?

SUSAN
(to Quux 1)
I believe my associate just proved she has no acting ability whatsoever. She reacts viscerally like that to the notion of being the “Curtis” Doctor’s lover—

PIPER
(unconvincingly)
No, I’m Romanadvoratrelundar. I really am. That’s just how we express affection for—

SUSAN
Save it, Piper. Whatever you thought you were doing, pretending to be the Doctor, you blew it.
(to Quux 1)
She’s not the humanoid you’re looking for.

QUUX 1
She could just be acting.

MALE VOICE (OOV)
(British accent)
Oh, I doubt that.


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: “DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN” STANDING RIGHT BEHIND QUUX 1.

QUUX 1
I hate it when things like
(gesturing)
that happen.
(to other the Quux)
And you’re all being fined for letting this native sneak up on us!

Grumbles of unhappiness all around.

SUSAN
(to “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”)
What do you think you’re doing here?

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Oh, I just got curious about all the other aliens running around, so I went looking for them. And my, what a lovely little extradition hearing we’re having. Heard every word of it.

QUUX 3
(to Quux 1)
I told you this wasn’t the—

QUUX 1
Yes, you were right. Be happy about it.
(to “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”)
You’re native to this planet—

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
No, I’m not. I am Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan!
(makes Vulcan “live long and prosper” sign)

QUUX 3
Is that the Vulcan covered with deserts or the Vulcan covered with hydrocarbons?

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
The one covered with m—uh, gallium.

QUUX 3
I haven’t heard of that one.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
It’s only a few light-years away from—

QUUX 1
This isn’t the time for chit-chat!

QUUX 3
Sorry.

QUUX 1
Mr. Vader, in your opinion, would the people of this planet believe that this woman—
(points to Piper)
—is Dr Romanadvoratrelundar Who?

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Definitely not. I’m a matchmaker, assigned specifically to this planet to improve the local breed. It’s my job to know the intricacies of human behaviour. And I can assure you, a reaction like that doesn’t make any sense for humans.

QUUX 1
She’s not human. She has two hearts, six lungs, and a liver shaped like a spiral galaxy, all of which are characteristic of the Time Lords.

SUSAN
Can you establish that she’s not human without doing something that would look very suspicious to the natives in public?

QUUX 1
(bitter)
No.

SUSAN
Then what case can you bring for arrest that will stand up in a court of intergalactic law?

Beat.

QUUX 1
You win—this time.
(to Piper)
But don’t ever think of interfering with us on Quuxcorge! We’ll have a thousand years to get ready for your coming, and we will be prepared.

Quux 1 gestures to her fellow Quux, and they all march off.

PIPER
(starting to move south)
Well, now, Doctor, I guess we’ll be off… no, you want to yell at me in the belief that I just tried to impersonate you.


SUSAN
Oh, it’s more than that, “Piper” or whatever your name is! How did you ever learn that awful name my parents cursed me with, that name I have never mentioned since I legally changed it?

PIPER
I can’t tell you.

SUSAN
I can think of a few possibilities, young lady, and I don’t like any of them.

PIPER
The name’s no big deal—

SUSAN
If I didn’t need to get my TARDIS away from the Foo—

PIPER
You’re trying to bluff me into a confession, and you’re planning to tell me that if I confirm any of your worst suspicions, I will regret it.

SUSAN
I told you to stop that! What do I have to get a straight, reliable answer from you? Hit you?

PIPER
Don’t. You’ll regret it later. Trust me.

SUSAN
Trust you? You’ve been getting underfoot ever since—

Susan notices something out of the corner of her eye, turns, and sees “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” watching.

SUSAN
(to “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”, hypnotic sound effect)
I, and I alone, am the Doctor. You will remember none of this.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
(monotone)
I will remember none of this.

SUSAN
Now go home.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Yes, Doctor. Live long and prosper, and may the force be with you.
(starts wandering off)

SUSAN
(to Piper)
Now—
(gasps)


ROTATE VIEW 180° TO SHOW: THE FENDAHL CORE APPROACHING FROM THE SOUTH.

ROTATE VIEW 180° TO SHOW: SUSAN AND PIPER.

SUSAN
Lovely. The Fendahl Core’s back.

PIPER
New plan: don’t even think of looking to see what’s to the left on Vassar Street, and you’re thinking about bluffing me to see if I’m telling the truth.

SUSAN
(annoyed)
Let’s just go.

Piper and Susan run north to Vassar Street, turn right, follow it a short distance, turn right onto Main Street, and follow it until they reach Ames Street. They go south on Ames Street, pass through the East Campus Courtyard, and arrive at the Walker Memorial Building.

They look around and do not notice anyone following them, so they enter.


INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING—LIFT.

Susan and Piper enter. Piper pushes the button for the fourth floor. However, as the doors start to close, “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” appears in the distance, running for the lift.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Wait for me! You need me to be there with you! Susan, I am your—

The doors close with “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” on the far side. Susan and Piper suddenly vanish.


INT. RETRO-FUTURISTIC LABORATORY.

It is a large hall filled with all sorts of equipment that looks like it originated in a Star Wars movie, one end seemingly opening through a door onto a rooftop. Susan’s TARDIS is standing there—and so are Alien Mask Man and several other Foo, all armed with imposing-looking energy weapons. They are all now unmasked, and each has an extra eye in the middle of his/her forehead. Susan and Piper materialise in the midst of them. The Foo all point their weapons at Susan and Piper.

ALIEN MASK MAN
Welcome, Doctor, to our humble—

SUSAN
Young man, what sort of idiocy have you been up to?

ALIEN MASK MAN
Pardon me?

SUSAN
You transmatted my TARDIS! Didn’t it occur to you that transmatting a time rotor, especially a primitive one, could be dangerous?

ALIEN MASK MAN
We did our research! It’s not—

SUSAN
(pointing at her TARDIS)
That’s a live rotor in there! It’s not chronodynamically inert! You’re lucky you didn’t cause a breach and blow up the whole blasted city!

ALIEN MASK MAN
Our teleporters are not that primitive. That would have never happened because—

PIPER
It’s worse than that.
(points to various machines)
Look at that! And that! And that! This isn’t a time capsule at all. This is a time tunnel!
(to Alien Mask Man)
You punched a hole in the Universe and transmatted through it!

ALIEN MASK MAN
Listen, there’s nothing wrong with—

SUSAN
Let her speak. Annoying as she is, she knows what she’s talking about.

PIPER
Thank you, Doctor.
(to Alien Mask Man)
Your time tunnel has a Higgs drive mechanism.

ALIEN MASK MAN
So we can change the destination time and place arbitrarily. That means we don’t have to pack everything we need into a compact capsule.

PIPER
It also means you’re probably leaking Z bosons. Do you know what that does to time travel at the destination end?

Susan walks over to a terminal, in defiance of the Foo, and starts punching buttons.

PIPER
The destination end is not stable; it won’t stay at the date and the place you want it. Even worse, it disrupts time travel and has a nasty tendency to twist timelines in abhorrent ways.

ALIEN MASK MAN
There is no—

SUSAN
There is everything to worry about. It’s not just my TARDIS which ground to a halt at the other end. Your sensors are picking up 17 time capsules stalled at the other end, including mine. That makes perfect sense since I have good reason to believe someone twisted my timeline.

ALIEN MASK MAN
Liars! The Lurmans who sold us our equipment—

SUSAN
(approaching Alien Mask Man)
The Lurmans, last I saw their technology, were making themselves a menace to historical integrity by producing such equipment. This has to be shut down!

ALIEN MASK MAN
You have no authority—

SUSAN
(continuing her approach)
I have every authority. And that’s because you win.

ALIEN MASK MAN
(double-take)
Come again? That didn’t sound right.

PIPER
You’re not the only one confused.

SUSAN
(to Alien Mask Man)
I said, “You win.” You want my services, you have them. I’ll be your “Foo Empress” and make Foovonia a temporal power. Ever since I managed to build my own TARDIS, I have filled my grandfather’s office as the Doctor. I’ve tried fighting every villain in Terran history alone, and I can’t do it. I’m 80 years old, on my second lifetime already, and dangerously over-stressed. In the past 33 years, I haven’t gone more than a few days without having to fight for my life. I’m going to be dead before I reach 500 if things don’t improve. Accepting your offer is probably my best chance of survival. But there’s going to be a catch.

ALIEN MASK MAN
We of the Foo expected as much.

SUSAN
You’re going to have to do things my way. For one thing, the goal of the Foo Empire cannot be conquest and domination. The goal has to be the fight for truth, justice, and the integrity of the timeline.

ALIEN MASK MAN
But—

SUSAN
How do you want the Foo to be remembered when the Foo Empire falls, as it will inevitably? Do you want to be the conquerers condemned by everyone, or do you want to be the heroes fondly remembered, honoured in story and song for a thousand millennia?

Beat.

SUSAN
Well? Make up your mind, young man. I haven’t got all night.

ALIEN MASK MAN
The heroes. It won’t be easy, but I can sell the Supreme Council on the idea. The masses will love it.

SUSAN
Good. And the second, very important thing you have to do is stop fiddling with time dangerously, because you’re damaging the timeline!

ALIEN MASK MAN
But—

SUSAN
You don’t need this time tunnel. I built a TARDIS using equipment and materials so primitive that no one on Gallifrey would have believed it could be done. Sixty-four years ago on my timeline, I wouldn’t have believed I could do it. If I can do this, then think of what I could do with what’s available in this era.

ALIEN MASK MAN
But—

SUSAN
This time tunnel may be a source of Foo pride, but you have to put the good of the timeline ahead of that. Be the hero. Do what’s right.

ALIEN MASK MAN
(sighs)
Everyone, prepare for tunnel shutdown!

SUSAN
Thank you. Now, as soon as that’s done, I’m going to want to hammer out a formal agreement with the Supreme Council.

FEMALE VOICE (OOV)
(Canadian accent)
All of you, freeze! You’re under arrest!


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: THE QUUX, WITH WEAPONS AIMED AT SUSAN, PIPER, AND THE FOO.

SUSAN
Isn’t there anyone around here who makes a sound when they sneak up on you?

QUUX 1
You are all under arrest for conspiracy against the Quux Republic and the Universe as a whole. Put down your weapons and surrender.

ALIEN MASK MAN
This is Foovonia! You have no authority here!

SUSAN
I’ll handle this!
(to Quux 1)
You don’t need to do this.

QUUX 1
(raising a piece of portable technology)
We have your confession to being the “Susan” Doctor, granddaughter of the “Curtis” Doctor. You are wanted for 3,947 separate offences, not to mention conspiring with the Foo, who are wanted for illegal alteration of the timeline. How can we stand by and let you endanger the great Quux Republic and various lesser races? This is an act of war against the whole Universe!

SUSAN
No, it is an act of peace. You heard my offer to the Foo, and I make the same offer to the Quux as well. In fact, I will co-operate with any civilisation which sincerely wants to be a civilisation of heroes and share with them. The Universe needs as many heroes as it can get, including—

QUUX 1
We are the sworn enemies of the Foo! You’re implying that we would have to work with them!

SUSAN
Is that—

QUUX1
We don’t care what your reasoning is, that’s not acceptable!

ALIEN MASK MAN
Well, we of the Foo wouldn’t work with the Quux in a billion years!

Alien Mask Man and Quux 1 start circling each other, with Susan stuck in the middle.

QUUX 1
Well, who would want to work with the Foo? You started the war—

ALIEN MASK MAN
We of the Foo started it? Who stockpiled antimatter weapons in a border system?

QUUX 1
Who—

SUSAN
Gentlebeings—

ALIEN MASK MAN
(aiming at Quux 1)
Warmongers!

QUUX 1
Back-stabbers!

SUSAN
Think about—

ALIEN MASK MAN
Kill the Quux!

QUUX 1
Fight the Foo!

Multiple things happen almost simultaneously: 1) The Foo and the Quux open fire, with many hit with the same special effects as Dalek fire and dropping dead or nearly so on the floor. 2) Piper drops to the floor. 3) Before Susan can hit the floor, she is caught in the crossfire and drops nearly dead on the floor. 4) Various machines are hit by fire and start smoking, sparking, shooting arcs of electricity through the air, and making worrisome noises. The rooftop on the far end of the tunnel is suddenly in daylight.

PIPER
Stop firing, you fools!

No one pays any attention to Piper.

PIPER
Stop firing! You’re all in danger!

No one pays any attention to Piper. Piper pulls a sonic screwdriver out of her pocket and activates it. The device emits a piercing whine, and all the combatants drop to the floor and writhe in agony. Piper then deactivates the sonic screwdriver.

PIPER
(standing up)
Thank you for your attention. Do you have any idea—

One of the Quux pulls a gun on Piper, only to drop along with the rest of the Quux and Foo when she momentarily activates her sonic screwdriver.

PIPER
Everyone, hands off your weapons and pay attention. Now, do you have any idea what you just did?


PAN TO: SUSAN AS PIPER CONTINUES TALKING.

PIPER (VO)
You just shot the Doctor! She wasn’t a threat to you. She didn’t want to fight. She was tired of fighting. She would have willingly turned you into the race of heroes the Time Lords should have been but never were. And what what did you do? You threw this golden opportunity away just to continue a petty squabble!


Piper’s voice gets echoey, and we hear eerie regeneration music.

PIPER (VO)
And as she lies there on the floor, with her first and second lives flashing in front of her eyes, what do you think is going through her mind? She’s wondering if she was too gentle on you. She regrets she didn’t go after the Quux the first moment she saw them, that she didn’t do something—anything—about the Foo earlier. She sees her feeling burnt out as a weakness. She wants to be someone strong, someone energetic, someone willing to fight. She wants to be someone who is going to go after the Quux and the Foo and make them pay for their crimes and their reckless idiocy, no matter what. And guess what?

There is a flash of light, which fills the hall, and when it dims, we see that Susan is now identical to Piper. She opens her eyes and practically jumps to her feet.

SUSAN
(sounding identical to Piper, too)
I got my wish!


ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: ALL ASSEMBLED.

SUSAN
I am the Doctor, Romanadvoratrelundar “Susan” Who, last of the Time Lords. And I am more than just a Time Lord; I am Gallifrey Incarnate, endowed with all its authority! Behold me and tremble, for the time of judgement is now!

ALIEN MASK MAN
By what right—

Susan presses a finger to Alien Mask Man inside his collarbone, and he cries out in pain and drops to the floor.

SUSAN
Venusian karate. As I was trying to say, you are hereby judged unworthy of possessing time travel technology. Foovonia’s time tunnel will be shut down immediately, to be followed by a visit to Quuxcorge.

QUUX 1
Under the Shadow Proclamation—


SUSAN
Appeal denied. You yourself informed me the visit will take place. Go home and prepare for it.

ALIEN MASK MAN
(picking himself up)
But the Shadow Proclamation does specify—

Piper pulls a component out of a machine. Suddenly alarms start screaming.


SUSAN
You idiots shot most of the machines keeping the time tunnel open. My later self just finished the task. Now get out of here, all of you! This place is going to explode in less than two minutes!

RANDOM QUUX
How long is a minute?

SUSAN
Never mind how long it is! Get out of here now, all of you!

The surviving Foo and Quux scramble to leave the room as various machines continue to smoke, spark, shoot arcs of electricity through the air, and make worrying noises. Meanwhile, Piper pockets the device component, and she and Susan and get into the TARDIS.

The TARDIS dematerialises just before the room explodes.


EXT. RAY AND MARIA STATA CENTER ON VASSAR STREET AT THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY—DAY.

The TARDIS materialises on the sidewalk.


INT. TARDIS.

The later Susan/Piper is helping the earlier Susan lie down on the bed.

EARLIER SUSAN
I feel weak all of the sudden. It’s so hard to hold on to the present.

LATER SUSAN
Don’t worry, Doctor. We made it. Just slid down the collapsing time tunnel and materialised. That “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” character would probably say that the Force is with us.

EARLIER SUSAN
(closing her eyes)
Who?

LATER SUSAN
Get some rest. You need it. Your memory of the past day will be rather fragmented. You did have this problem the last time you regenerated. But you will remember enough to survive the day.

EARLIER SUSAN
You’re a good big sister; you know that?

The later Susan then walks over to a wardrobe and starts fishing out the earlier version of the outfit she is wearing.

LATER SUSAN
Computer, after the TARDIS lands, make sure my earlier self wakes up at least an hour before she is due to meet the Second Susan.

COMPUTER
Affirmative, Doctor.

LATER SUSAN
And make sure she changes her clothes.

COMPUTER
Yes, Doctor.


EXT. RAY AND MARIA STATA CENTER ON VASSAR STREET AT THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY—DAY.

The later version of Susan steps out of the TARDIS, which is right in front of the building. She is holding a large book (the one which she reads in the pub) and a large jar of jelly babies. It is somewhat wet outside, but she does not care.

SUSAN
Vassar Street, Cambridge, Massachusetts, the United States of America, Earth. Seven May 2005, 8:23 AM. An ugly place at an ugly time, and all I have to do for another 14 hours is stay out of the way of the action.

She shuts the door of the TARDIS and walks down the street. Unexpectedly she hears—

INHUMAN VOICE
(echoey)
Doctor Who! What a pleasure it is to meet you!

Susan turns to see the Fendahl Core. The sight sends a chill down her spine. There is no escaping to the TARDIS; the Fendahl Core is standing between her and her time capsule—and she is getting closer. The fight-or-flight reaction triggered, she stands to fight. Dropping her book and jelly babies, she pulls out a sonic screwdriver just in case she needs it.

SUSAN
(facing the Fendahl Core, with the Master’s hypnotic sound effect and all echoey to indicate a telepathic aspect to the speech)
I AM THE DOCTOR! YOU WILL—

FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
Why are you yelling at me? There is nothing I could have done to offend you. We have never met before, and I am but a humble researcher.

SUSAN
Researcher? You aren’t here to conquer the Earth?

FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
Records of your encounters with my species indicate a number of unfortunate conflicts. However, I have come back in time approximately one million years from Space Station Camera in the Third Zone. By that point my species will have vastly matured.

SUSAN
Space Station Camera? Headquarters of the famous physicists Reimer and Kartz?

FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
Correct. I am Euphoria, head of the history department.

SUSAN
Author of The History of Time Travel?

EUPHORIA THE FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
Why, yes. When I wrote that book, I knew that you attended the Time Traveler Convention. There were some pictures and notes left in books proving it. But afterwards, I discovered a picture of me at the Convention as well. Reimer and Kartz had no choice but to send me. The last thing we wanted was to risk a paradox.

SUSAN
A wise course of action for any civilisation experimenting with time travel.

EUPHORIA THE FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
There is so much I’d like to ask you—

SUSAN
Look, I’d like to stay and chat, but I really can’t now. And frankly, you probably shouldn’t be outside in daylight. Too much light, and people are going to notice you’re not human. Not to mention that using telepathy around humans is a dead give-away.

EUPHORIA THE FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
Oh, dear. But I will see two of you, Doctor, at the Time Traveler Convention?

SUSAN
(less than enthusiastic)
Oh, definitely. Your source is most certainly correct.

EUPHORIA THE FENDAHL CORE
(telepathy only)
Excellent. Good-bye for now, Doctor Who.


INT. PUB.

SUSAN
And so to let history take its course unobstructed, I had to spend the whole day staying away from myself. Spent most of it sleeping in a hotel room, recovering from my regeneration, and I then had to spend time today hunting down Euphoria to apologise for evading her yesterday.
(drinks)
Even after mulling over it since I woke up, I still can’t believe it was me who started this whole “Doctor” business.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
How do you figure that?

SUSAN
I affirmed to the Quux and the Foo that I am the Doctor, or one of the Doctors anyway. Given that the Quux and Foo are space- and time-faring races, they’re bound to spread that information throughout Spacetime. Well, I could blame Euphoria and that girl with the fake antennae, but if the Quux know I am fated to make trouble for them in my future, I’m doomed to reinforce the notion to them that I’m the Doctor and encourage them to spread word of who I am throughout history. If I ever meet myself again, I’m never going to live this down.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Well, it’s not like things like that happen every day.

SUSAN
True. Usually the bad guys start shooting without bothering to make demands. As far as they’re concerned, I’m the Doctor, and that’s good enough a reason for them.
(drinks)
From now on, no more “Susan Foreman”. No one’s bought “Foreman” since 1963, and “Susan” has been on thin ice since I was stranded on Earth; it’s hard to swallow a non-human having such a human name. From now on, it’s “Doctor Romanadvoratrelundar Who”.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Ugh! Are you sure you want to go with “Romana-whatever”? I thought you hated it.

SUSAN
I did, with a passion. Only it’s grown on me somehow since I regenerated. Sounds more… menacing.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
What about your grandfather’s lover? Do you really want to be mistaken for her?

SUSAN
No, but it’s a little late now. I stuck myself with the identity; I’m going to have to learn to live with it. Besides, according to what I’ve read today, Romandvoratrelundar scares her enemies a lot more than Susan. That’ll help a lot; I’m feeling much more adventurous than in my last life.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Adventurous? Anything planned.

SUSAN
Obviously, I have to visit Quuxcorge and shut their time travel system down. I couldn’t have done it before yesterday, but now, with this—
(produces the Foo time tunnel component from a pocket)
—I ought to be able to get there.
(pockets the Foo time tunnel component)
But after Quuxcorge… I don’t have anywhere in mind. Well, finding Grandfather so I can give him the chewing out he deserves would be nice, but considering the dismal results I’ve had trying to meet him where and when records say he was, I just don’t think that’s ever going to work. For all I know, he’s dead, and the stories of him and his lover may be nothing more than distorted stories of me. Which is a pity. When I last saw him, he told me he would someday come back, and he never did. I just want to know why.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
Oh, that’s simple enough. You said your grandfather was a stubborn old man when you last saw him. Maybe he did find out what happened to you, but he was too embarrassed to face you. It was incredibly stupid on his part to assume love at first sight would last. With an ego as big as his, maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to say he was wrong, he’s so embarrassed. He might have even done what he could to hide whenever you showed up, he couldn’t bear to have you see him in such disgrace. And if he’s still around after the Time War, he probably has no clue you’re still alive.

SUSAN
It’s possible.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
But who knows? Maybe he still loves you. Maybe he still worries about you. Maybe he’s even watched you from afar, making sure nothing insurmountable happens to you. Maybe he’s even proud of you. No, I’m sure he’s proud of you. If I had a granddaughter out there somewhere saving the Universe from the forces of evil, I’d have to be proud of her, no question.

SUSAN
You’re right. That’s exactly the way Grandfather would think. Thank you.
(breathes out)
You know, there’s no reason I have to go to Gallifrey alone.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
(startled)
What!?

SUSAN
You’re welcome to come along. The last time I saw the home planet was 35 years ago on my personal timeline, and that was in a dream. It’s a beautiful planet, and it would be nice to share the beauty with someone.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
But I, I, I’ve got things to do here on Earth. I’ve got responsibilities.

SUSAN
If you need to be at a specific place at a particular time, keep in mind I’ve got a time machine. Trust me. You won’t miss anything important.

“DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN”
But I’m—

SUSAN
(drawing nearer)
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that life is short and needs to be enjoyed while we can.

Susan pulls the mask off of “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”, revealing the Doctor (tenth incarnation). Not recognising him, Susan moves to kiss him, but the Doctor manages to slip sideways. Susan is not deterred.

DOCTOR
(manoeuvring to get closer to the door, trying to counter Susan’s counter-manoeuvring)
Gee, look at the time. I, er, gotta go.
(bumps against a table and has to manoeuvre around it)
I, uh, I have to floss my cat, and, uh, lots of other not very interesting stuff.

The Doctor makes a break for it and rushes out of the pub.

SUSAN
(sighs)
Great. I just had to choose to be rash and stupid in this life...
(beat)
Wait a minute...

Susan, realising she is still holding the Doctor’s mask, brings it up to her nose and inhales deeply.

SUSAN
(lowering the mask)
Jelly babies. He was eating jelly babies earlier today.

Susan turns to her book on the bar. She flips through the pages and comes to a halt on a page with several pictures of various incarnations of the Doctor—including his tenth incarnation.

SUSAN
Grandfather!

Susan takes her book and runs out of the pub.


EXT. THE STREETS OF CAMBRIDGE—NIGHT.

The Doctor is running down the street. Susan is running after him.

SUSAN
Come back here, Grandfather!

The Doctor looks behind him and sees Susan chasing him.

DOCTOR

(starting to run himself)
Damn! Euphoria must have blown my cover!

SUSAN
You’re not going to escape me so easily!

The Doctor does not respond, but keeps running. He nearly collides with a passer-by walking a poodle.

DOCTOR
(keeping running)
Sorry!

Susan swerves to avoid the passer-by and the poodle.

SUSAN
Stop running and face me! You owe me that much!

The Doctor, with Susan gaining on him, turns a corner into an alley, where there is parked his TARDIS. He enters the TARDIS, which starts to dematerialise.

SUSAN
(coming to a halt in front of the TARDIS)
Grandfather!

The TARDIS dematerialises completely.

SUSAN
Grandfather!
(realisation hits)
And to think I tried to kiss him! Ew!  Ew!  Ew!  That’s so gross!


CREDIT SEQUENCE.

Credit to be given where credit is due: Text from “The Dalek Invasion of Earth” borrowed (OK, plagiarised) from The Doctor Who Transcripts Project. Also referenced: Wikipedia, The TARDIS Index File, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus map, and markbaard's photostream . Thanks also to Barry for his constructive criticism.
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